Te Awamutu Contract Bridge Club



Directors come from all over the world! That's a bit odd, isn't it?

Talking of Christmas, here's a really odd hand

The Author is East and his wife is West




"Twas the night before Christmas I grinned as I doubled Two guests in our house Enjoying the fun, Had started to play bridge And turned round to South With me and my spouse. To see where he would run. "Please tell me" she shouted, But South undistressed "Why didn't you double? Not at a loss for a word "Twas plain from the start Came forth with two spades. That we had them in trouble" Did I hear what I heard. "Tis futile, my dear" The other two passed Said I, taking a stand, In sheer disbelief "To discuss it with you. I said "Double, my friend Let's play the next hand" That will bring you to grief" "Remember next time" South passed with a nod She said, icing a frown His composure serene; "To double a contract My wife with a flourish That's sure to go down" Led out the heart Queen So I picked up my hand I sat there and chuckled In a downtrodden state, Inside o'er their fix, And I opened one spade But South, very calmly And awaited my fate. Ran off eight straight tricks. The guy sitting South He ruffed the first heart Was like many I've known. In his hand right away, He played and he bid And then trumped a club In a world of his own. On the very next play. "Two diamonds" he countered He crossed ruffed the hand With scarcely a care. At a breathtaking pace, The Ace in his hand Till I was left holding Gave him courage to spare. Five spades to the Ace My wife, she smiled faintly In anguish my wife cried And tossed her head. "Your minds growing old, Leaned over the table Don't you see six no trumps "I double", she said. On this hand is ice cold" And North, for some reason By doubling this time I cannot determine, I'd committed a sin Bid two hearts as though It just goes to prove He were preaching a sermon. That you never Can win!!

Now the alert among you will no doubt have a big query about the wife's offbeat lead. See if you find another lead which will produce a much better score than a slam. How do you achieve this score?

Now here are some really odd characters invading one of our AGM's pretending to be Fred Dagg! Rumour has it that they are, not necessarily in this order, May Parlane, Dorrie Dryburgh, Thoral Burgess, Bubbles Jones and Anne Bovet. But I'm not sure if they would own up to that!!

Five Spades with a 0-0 fit in trumps for a good result?

The following fictitious hand appeared in the Trinity 2002 issue of Oxford Today, and appears with the permission of its author, Alan Truscott.

Dlr: W
Vul: Nil


The bidding took a curious turn:

West North East South

2S Pass 4NT 5S

Pass Pass Pass

Two spades was a weak two, and East should no doubt have raised directly to six. His Blackwood response was a wierd tactical move aimed at discouraging South from entering the auction. Five spades by South was an attempt to show a strong hand, but 5NT, asking for a minor, would have been better.

North's pass of 5S generated a shock wave around the table. Had he lost his mind, or did he think 5S was natural. Or had he misheard the bidding?

East could not resist the temptation of defending a spade contract, with a guarantee of a plus score, and a chance to crow, to uncertainty at the slam level.

West led his singleton diamond, aiming for a ruff. He acheived it faster than he expected. South inspected dummy saying not a word. The defenders took 13 tricks in a hurry for a score of 550 and gloated.

Later over a post mortem South enquired why North had passed 5S.

"I was sure they could make 6S and I was right. That would have scored 1010, so we were better losing 550"

"But didn't we have a cheap sacrifice in 7D by South?'

"Indeed we did. It would have failed by one trick with a major suit lead, ot two with a minor. But the opposition might then have tried 7S, a reasonable gamble, and made it for 1510. I suppose we must have the world record for the worst ever trump fit"

"You are right. It proves what I have always told you. It pays to play with an even number of trumps in each hand. But I don't think we will try it again!"

Here's an odd version of Rudyard Kipling's poem "If". I'm sure all directors, particularly those who play and direct at club level will appreciate.

If you can keep your head
When all about are losing theirs

If you can direct and play
And in playing
Ne'er forget the skip and relay

If you can restore equity
And in restoring bear the players derision

If you can differentiate
Between mistaken bid or explanation
And in differentiating
Give a clear explanation

If you can matchpoint boards
Both fair and foul
And in matchpointing boards
Disregard the players scowl

If you can control
the unforgiving minute
With feelings running high
With the calmness born of knowing why

If you can do all of this and more
You're a better director than I

Here's a poem that will appeal to the "odd" frustrated yet addicted newer player - or perhaps not so new!

Giving up Bridge???

I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night,
It's Amen to Stayman, I give up the fight.
The insults and muddles are giving me troubles,
And I can't sleep at night for thinking of doubles.
My cards are all rotten and I have forgotten
Who's played and what's trumps
And what's gone on my right!
So for now it's all over - I'm off to the backwood
I'm bidding goodbye to Gerber and Blackwood.
I can't stand the hassle, I can't stand the pain
I'm getting those bad cards again and again.
I'm giving up bridge - tonight's a bad night,
Declarer is horrid and nothing's gone right.
My partner's a dope and I'm losing all hope
And when she says "double", I know we're in trouble.
My points are not high, and I'm wondering why
She kept bidding right up to the sky!
We're in seven spades and all my hope fades
When surprise, surprise, her high bidding pays.
We're winning all tricks, the defenders feel sick
And I have to admit my partner's a brick.
But I'm giving up bridge - tonight's my last night.
Farewell to conventions - I give up the fight!
So I leave with few words, but some that are true,
Bridge is a game, not for me, but for you.
So be kind to your partners and don't mind their cheek
For it's only a game - oh! and see you next week!

Bridge player do play in some odd places, even in a shop window

Club members Queen Kabel, Vera Barlow, Jan Anderton and Barbara Benton help promote the clubs activities one Saturday morning

Here are some of the oddest characters who have ever played bridge. Remember the "Lookalike day" for a certain ex WINZ worker

Here that WINZ worker pretends to be a certain Te Awamutu director cum webmaster, flanked by departmental officers May Parlane and Anne Haycock.

The CEO even got to eat her earrings at the end of play as they were made out of licquorice allsorts. "I can get into "wearable arts, too" she quipped.

The Elvis Presley Opening Lead

This is the name given to the normally ludicrous opening lead away from an AQ. So often it presents declarer with a trick with a King which would not otherwise make. No wonder declarer say's "CHOICE! - the King is NOT dead"!!!

Husband and Wife stalwart members Linda and Brian Sloan enter into the spirit of the 2001 Melbourne cup day at the club

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